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Date night! #sisters #takemeout #thiswasunexpected #I’mthebestsisterever #blesshercottonsocks #firstdate @hollygormanxo (at Temple Bar, Dublin)

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So basically the CGM didn’t really get back to me, he never saw my message on Facebook.

Yesterday I got the day off work because it was just supposed to be Me and the site manager working, but nobody could contact him in the morning. Due to his actions on Saturday night/ Sunday morning, I started freaking out thinking he might have done something stupid. I rang him, I text him, I messaged him on fb and I text his wife. H was sent home and when I was on the bus he rang me and it turned out if had just slept through his alarm. Thank God. He rang me back later telling me he had just gotten off the phone with the CGM (who wasn’t talking to him up until this point) and that the CGM was now going to ring Me to discuss what I wanted. A few hours later he rings Me And I tell him not to do anything, his reply is ‘what if I already told the head of office?’ He then asked me would i deny the allegations if they were brought up to me, i said i didn’t know, and if said i would, told me to take care and stay safe, and then he hung up. We still aren’t sure if he actually sent the email or not. Meanwhile the CGM’s wife was on the phone to the site manager telling him that they need to get me into a rape crisis centre and get me help.

And that’s the up to date version of what’s going on, I’m just waiting to see if the head of office organises a meeting with me, and then there’ll be another update :/

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So the newest instalment in my drama filled life is to do with my job. As seen from the previous post, a lot of shit has gone on since I started, and it just got worse. There are five levels in the hierarchy of fundraising. Me, the fundraiser, the site manager, the executive, the committed giving manager, and the head of office. So basically a few days ago the committed giving manager (CGM) left the red cross, because he wants to set up his own company of fundraisers that can be hired out to other charities. My site manager rang me to tell me if was leaving the red cross, because the CGM wanted him to join him, the site manager also wanted to take me with him. So I agreed to that, the pay would be better, the hours would also. So no more was said, i just knew in a few weeks I’d have a new job.

Last night I went out with the site manager, the CGM and his wife. We had a great night, until the end. Back in the CGM’s house, I take a valium I fell asleep while the other 3 continued to chat. Next thing I’m woken up and all 3 are staring at me, the site manager tells me to tell the CGM and his wife what happened with the executive that night at the festival. I went quiet and just stared at the floor, meanwhile the CGM goes mental at the site manager for putting me on the spot and for not reporting it. He blames him for a lot of what happened and I start defending him, because only the executive and myself are to blame. After a while the fight ceases and the site manager is acting a little weird, normally if would fight back. We all go to sleep and I wake up about 3 hours later, go downstairs and find the site manager spread out asleep on the rug, I wake him up to try get him into a bed or onto a couch, he hops on the couch, not even aware of where he is. I go back to bed and wake up to the CGM at the door of my room telling me he’s going out to get food. Next thing there’s a lot of shouting from him downstairs and then the noise of an engine as he leaves. I go downstairs and get my stuff and go back up to my room to get changed. My site manager comes in and tells me the reason for the commotion was because he had taken all of the CGM’s Valium and xanax. When I asked why he said he was trying to overdose. I stared at him for a while, speechless, and then turned towards him and hugged him, nearly in tears. I’ve been like this all day now, he did it out of guilt because of what happened to me. Now my situation isn’t only affecting Me anymore. He got kicked out of the house when the CGM came back. I went with him because he doesn’t know the area and I wouldn’t leave him by himself. But before we left the CGM told me that he would send an email to the head of office tomorrow informing him of the event at the festival with the executive. He also offered to help me Go legal but I don’t want any reports at all. I sent him a message on fb earlier telling him that but there’s no reply yet. I don’t know what to do, should I stay in the red cross and if I do should I report it or not, possibly get sacked or stay quiet? Do I go with the CGM to his business, turning my back on my site manager who is now a good friend of mine? It’s all up in the air and I wish everything would calm down

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Time to hit the town #lovinlife #pubcrawl #session #spirits!

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I haven’t been on this I’m bids and I do apologise, but once I get through what I need to sky i think you’ll understand…

So to finish up that Chris (the ex) story, he wanted to meet up to post things out, he kept messaging me with compliments and then finally, like his normal dramatic self, he sent me this message on the day that we would have celebrated our 1 year anniversary:

'Hey, I know it's been clear for ages from you but it's pretty evident that we're never going to meet up to try sort things out, I'm sorry things got so bad between us , I honestly wish they hadn't, there's nothing more I feel I can do and from the way things appear I don't think you want them to anyways. Thanks for everything from when times were better, goodbye Julieanna!'

Make what you will of that, I also got a snapchat yesterday of him in a suit talking about debs (prom) season. I just want the asshole to fuck off, cause I have bigger problems. I’ll try to get through this quick cause I need to sleep.

I got a new job as a fundraiser for the red cross and I love it, i travel around the country and try to get people to sign up for direct debits in shopping centres and at various events, about two weeks in I went to a festival for work with two of my bosses. I’m at the bottom of the food chain, then there’s the site manager who fundraises like I do, but is in charge, and then his boss, the executive who does mostly office work and the odd bit of fundraising. At the festival our gazebo blew over and broke, so we just got drunk, which we were planning to do anyway, I took half an ecstasy pill (having never taken anything in my life, yeah I’m an idiot) and the executive started kissing Me, i kept pushing him away and stuff but I was pretty out of it, he asked me to walk back to the tent with him to get another can and as naive as I am i went with him, we sat down and he started trying to kiss me again and we had an argument about how there were plenty of girls who would sleep with him willingly but if wanted me, he got fairly pissed off and I blacked out about then, I only have a few memories and even those i don’t want to think about. Apparently during the night the site manager came in to try get me out but I said no, and I doubt he was going to try overrule his boss either. The next morning woke up cold and naked and the exact same thing happened again, and unfortunately I remember all of that part. I just remember the same thought going through my mind ’ please find me repulsive and just stop’ eventually, the 34 year old dichead stopped. On the way home my site manager snapped at him calling him a piece of shit. But it wasn’t until the following week that he found out the full story, that I had said no, had tried to fight him off, he offered to take it up with the board at work but I refused, I need this job.

I still have to work with him, talk to him, pretend everything is okay, meanwhile i was left to arrange the morning after pill myself and I’m waiting for the results of an sti/std screening.

I have a few things to say here:
1. Don’t put yourself in dangerous situations, don’t be the idiot I was
2. Report any piece of shit you find, that’ll go against your consent
3. If ever something like this happens to you, which I sincerely hope it never does, tell someone, I have made myself physically sick keeping this to myself.

Stay strong guys, and stay safe.

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After a day of this utterly confusing app, I bid you goodnight! #bedtime #Newbie #gettingthehangofhashtags

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Trying to figure out this instagram shit… #selfie #whattohashtag?

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I’m sorry but this could be a pretty long post. I have a situation and I need to rant before i explode. WARNING: Relationship rant.

So basically to give you the run down of the situation up until now, you need to know that i have severe trust issues. I only tell certain people certain things, and I think i have 2 people i tell everything to. So in 2012, i liked this guy i did kickboxing with but he only wanted sex (Craig). Fair enough, i was getting over it, meanwhile this other guy i know from red cross (whom was becoming a very good friend of mine - Chris) decided he liked me. I just kind of brushed him off, he wasn’t my type and i couldn’t see us together. This is in October. Suddenly, something in November, Craig gets a girlfriend, for about a month, i didn’t stop liking him, just reduced contact. December came and i stopped talking to Chris for a month, not because anything bad happened, but because he was getting too close and i was scared. We began talking in January again (bear in mind, I would usually see him once a week, but because of a conflicting evening class i had seen him only once or twice between January and June.

So the important events are as follows:

February: Kickboxing guy drives me to kickboxing and home and we kiss. 

March: Chris’s birthday, i skip the evening class and give him food (we’re basically best mates at this stage, he rings me most nights and we text all the time.

St. Patrick’s day rolls around and i go out that night. This guy starts chatting me up (Andy), and i really want nothing to do with him because i still like Craig. But Andy puts forward a question, ‘so what if you kiss me, are you telling me the guy you like wouldn’t get with another girl if he had the chance?’ My mind doesn’t think of Craig though, oh no, it thinks of Chris and if he would. Now I’m majorly confused. Anyway after an hour and a half of goading, i kiss the guy (he wouldn’t go home otherwise). The next morning i wake up and the first thing i say is ‘how the hell do i explain that to Chris?’ Because i knew he still liked me and because he’s a good friend i didn’t want to hurt him. I tell him anyway and he didn’t mind so much.

Craig gets another girlfriend.

April: Craig breaks up with his girlfriend. I must point out though that in between all of these girlfriends and during his single periods, he is trying to convince me to have sex with him.

My Friend (Helen) turns 18, and has a party. I set up Chris with another girl there in hopes of him leaving me be, at least for the duration of the party. 

At the end of April/ start of May, there is a house party held to which i am invited as a plus one, but i thought Chris invited me as a joke so i didn’t go. Helen attends also, along with some other friends. (this becomes relevant later)

May: My 17th, he can’t go, it doesn’t bother me, he gets me a rubber duck (cause i call him duckies) and food and prints off fake tickets to my Debs (equivalent of Prom) because he has been pestering me since October to bring him. but i keep saying no.

I find out Helen and Chris kissed at the party. 

June: My final state exam.

My little sisters birthday/ end of my exam celebration. Chris, Helen and my other friend Aine, who also attended the house party come over for the day. I admit to Chris i know about him and Helen, cause Helen told me. He goes into my house and i later (like a year later) find out the conversation that was had:

Chris: What did you tell Julie-anna?

Helen: That we kissed.

Chris: Nothing else?

Helen: No, I’m not stupid.

(I’ll get back to this.)

All is quickly resolved as it was apparently to get some girl away from Chris.

Chris asks me to go out with him provisonally to see if we work (cause i thought we wouldn’t) i say no, because if it is to happen it should be natural and not forced.

July: Chris stays over in my house and we stay up all night talking, he tries to kiss me but i turn my head. The next day he asks me to go out with him and after hours of deliberation, i say yes. After he goes home, i have a panic attack, and my sister has to calm me down, as i’m in floods of tears, scared he’ll break up with me and ruin our friendship. I trust him, somewhat against my better judgement.

Six months pass and it’s December 2013, i lose my virginity to Chris and about two weeks later he begins acting different (i dunno if they’re connected or not). 

January 2014: Our 6 month together night, i send him a long text (which we do every month) talking about how we’re happy to be with each other and stuff like that. He had sent me a text that morning asking if i had thought we’d make it to six months, i said no, he then asked ‘happy to continue?’ I asked him ‘are you?’ jokingly, and he replied, ‘implying I’m not? ;)’ and he spent the remainder of the day not saying if he was happy to continue or not, despite my persistent questioning (this is like something he’d do though, to wind me up, then that night answer saying he’s more than happy to continue). That did not happen. Instead he said things felt different for him and he was struggling finding time for me and i just broke down into fits of laughter, panic, anxiety, and then in tears to my mother the next day. He decides he wants to stay with me, because he hopes it’s just a phase he’s going through.

11 days later, once my exams finish, he breaks up with me, and the worst part was he said ‘I’m worried i might develop a distaste for you and our relationship’ I naturally have low self esteem and i hit rock bottom. A distaste? What on earth did i do? I still don’t know.

So we are now into 2014, and events are as follows:

February: Don’t really talk much, the odd awkward conversation.

March: Chris’s birthday: I lose a lot of weight to look my best at his party, his parents greet me warmly and it’s an okay night, except for when we get to the night club, where he sticks with a certain group of people, and I find out he is smoking (which we both gave up for each other before getting together.) He also texts me at four in the morning, saying he’s happy i went and stupid shit.

Here comes an unfortunate part: The Christmas present i got for Chris were tickets to see Derren Brown, the week after his birthday (I was optimistic about our relationship, and worse, i trusted him to stay with me.) So we go, and it’s the day of the Rugby championships, so we go into a pub, have a few drinks, and he starts being all gentlemanly and stuff, holds my bag, offers me ice cream at the show, keeps complimenting me and trying to hold my hand (he also started making jokes about having sex on the bus home, and squeezed my ass at one point). But i can’t figure out if he’s awkwardly trying to tell me something, cause if he just wanted sex he’s be more likely to just say it rather than joking around, or if he is in fact just looking for sex. We go home anyway, he makes some hints about missing me and stupid stuff like that, and we start talking a little more. 

The next week he asks me to go back into the city (where the show was and where we are both originally from) with him sometime, just to hang around. That happens that Friday, or possibly the following Friday, i can’t recall.

Anyway, i go back to my cousins house later. My cousin convinces me to send a text to Helen saying that things had gotten intimate between Chris and I in the city, she didn’t reply, so to find out her reaction, i ring her. She immediately starts ranting, going crazy saying that Chris thinks that he can just break up with me, kiss another girl and go back to me. This is the first I’ve heard of this. Helen tells me everything, that he has kissed another girl AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY, WHICH I ATTENDED, and that he hoped i hadn’t seen. I had already instructed Chris to go along with the joke we were playing on Helen, but he was waiting for details on what i had said. I got off the phone with Helen and sent Chris a text saying, ‘well that didn’t go as planned’ and he asked why? And i replied with that girls name whom he kissed, ‘Christina?’ and he said ‘what about her’ immediately followed by another text saying ‘well that’s a lie, i know what was said but why did Helen tell you?’ So that whole situation blew up, he said he didn’t tell me because i didn’t ask. My argument is that he interrogated me over any guys i may have been with, meanwhile conceal his own encounters? ugh. So i got over this one within hours, it didn’t bother me so much as the fact that i wasn’t told. Like i had been hanging out with him so much, we could have gotten back together and i wouldn’t have known what happened! Later that night, since i was in such a ‘i can handle the world mood’ i told him to tell me anything else that i should know about, so i could deal with it then and there instead of breaking it up into loads of small fights. He tells me that at the house party last year he had fingered Helen and that he was sorry if it upset me. I told him not to tell her i knew, and that i’d figure out what to do about it in my own time. About two weeks later, I’m barely talking to Chris. I log onto facebook to find loads of messages from Helen, asking if i knew a certain number, as they had contacted her anonymously telling her i knew about her and Chris, and she began apologising profusely. I then get a message from Chris, telling me that Helen knows i know, and asking me not to tell her that he was the one who informed me. I went on a rampage, he said the person who text her was one of his mates doing him a favour. There is a theory that the reason he started up that conflict was because it was Helens 19th that weekend and he wanted to go out to that, thinking everything would be sorted out by then. It wasn’t, the only thing that I was certain about that weekend was that I loathed the boy with all my might.

So we go out that weekend and he texts asking if i’m going and all, and I’m just really short with him, and guess who decides to accompany me and my friends? CRAIG! (We’re good friends now) So naturally, Chris see’s Craig and thinks I’m trying to make him jealous, so he starts trying to chat up all my friends, even though they all have boyfriends, or hate him. Craig doesn’t come into the nightclub, so Chris gets really out of hand. Really drunk, swinging out of more unsingle girls, and actually ended up being grabbed by the throat and pushed against a wall as a warning from one of the boyfriends. I’m pretty satisfied to see him making an ass out of himself.

The next weekend is his little sisters birthday party, and he invited me and a girl that i think fancies him (Sarah) weeks in advance. He asks me after Helens bday if i still want to go and i said i’d ask about going, but before the party he disinvited me because i never got back to him. His loss, i went out and had loads of fun, and no one that he invited showed up to the party :D

Now the piece de resistance: My birthday. He texts me on the Monday of that week, saying he might not be able to go, I’m over the moon with happiness! He asks who he should give my present to, to give to me and i just said anyone. So the week goes by and he asks me if i’m excited and all, just small talk conversation. Anyway the party starts that night and he decides to magically appear half way through the night (everyone knows he’s not supposed to be there so it gets really awkward cause everyone - especially my parents - are staring) He walks into the middle of the dance floor where i am and hugs me, handing me my present. He says, ‘there are two presents in there and a note, keep the note to yourself.’ And i try to avoid him for the rest of the night. I have 20/22 free passes into the night club and i gave as many away as possible so i wouldn’t have to give him one, the number worked out perfectly, so he didn’t go the the nightclub. I had a great night despite his assfuckery.

I went home the next day to find he had bought me another cuddly duck (he got me one for Christmas) and a necklace, inside the necklace box i found a note saying ‘Sorry about everything - C’, the fact that he told me to keep it to myself and signed it ‘C’ shows how insincere his apology is, because he can deny it at a moments notice. So i ignore it, not giving him the satisfaction of a thank you or anything ( i sound like a bitch but look at everything he’s put me through, i owe him nothing) and i get a text basically saying sorry again, and that he didn’t realise how bad he had made it between the two of us until he could barely talk to me at my birthday, he admitted to being a major dick and then tried to guilt trip me, by saying that he wished me luck in my adult life, as if we’d never speak again. I really was annoyed that he had shown up, as he knew it would effect me, so i kept the replies short and sweet. He asked if he could make amendments for what he has done, I told him we’d talk about it another time, after all of our exams. He said he was willing to discuss anything if it sorted the two of us out. He text me a few more times, just about random things, but i stayed the same. I stopped replying on Friday, after he read one of my statuses wrong and thought i was moving away, so he expressed concern. 

At 5 am this morning, the 20th of May, a received a message from Chris on Facebook saying ‘You online?’ and then a second more drunken message saying that he had just gotten back from Graduation and that he lost all his contacts so he couldn’t text me but he wanted to be level with me, that he missed me being his friend, and repeated that he was just trying to be level. I told him I didn’t know what to say and that alcohol is an amazing substance. He replied saying that technology should be confiscated from him on nights out, i didn’t reply and i received another message not so long ago saying sorry for the late night message.

So that is my rant, I’m extremely angry, to a point of wanting to kick his head in, he’s obviously after something, cause if I’m fine without him, surly he’s fine without me. So what is it? What does he want? But I also feel like I’m at breaking point, bear with me while i explain this, I feel like there’s a little cord in my chest that is pulled so tight that every breath gives me the same rush as the panicky overwhelming rush one gets when you look over the side of a cliff face, and there’s that beautiful/ horrifying moment of how wonderfully/ dangerously high up you are. I feel like this cord could snap at any moment, and the feeling is worse when he ‘provokes’ it. But i don’t know what the result of the snapping cord might be, it could be anger, by which i would seriously maim him, anxiety, which we all know I’m used to, but this level of it could push me into hysteria or depression (further into one of these categories should i say), or i could just give up, become a recluse, let him make me feel the way i do, and get on with my miserable life. I don’t want to think of what else it might push me to do.

Maybe it isn’t very clear why I’m angry, it’s because now that he has decided the time is right, he feels i should just be okay with him again, he feels he is entitled to a second chance, when he didn’t deserve the first. And he’s pushing me to be okay when i need time, and he shouldn’t be pushing me to do anything. Like seriously, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

There should really be a moral to this rant i suppose, for the amount of time and effort i’ve put into writing this, just to feel a little relief, i suppose i can try find some hidden meaning…

Don’t trust anyone kids, even the devil was once an angel.

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peanutbutterandpilates:

One of my favourite motivational quotes, it really is about the little things and making each day count

This actually hit me, you know the way you read some things and others you experience while you read? This impacted me most definitely

peanutbutterandpilates:

One of my favourite motivational quotes, it really is about the little things and making each day count

This actually hit me, you know the way you read some things and others you experience while you read? This impacted me most definitely

Source: peanutbutterandpilates
Quote

"1. You’re going to have to treat every man like an explosive until he proves to you that he’s burnt out. Often, the wolves are disguised as woodcutters.
2. Being a lady ain’t easy, honey, but somebody’s gotta do it.
3. When he asks to see your body, show him your fists.
4. Do not try to be pretty. You weren’t meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don’t let anyone ever simplify you to just “pretty.”
5. If they ask you to give them a smile, spit on their shoes.
6. Never be afraid to take up space – you’ve earned it. You deserve it.
7. When a boy claims to be a gentleman and keeps asking for your hand, tell him you’ll give him a finger. Yeah, you know the one I’m talking about.
8. ‘No’ is your friend. Practice saying it in the mirror so it will slip out like venom when he puts his hands on you.
9. Your worth is measured only by how happy you are. Nothing more, nothing less.
10. You are a fucking firework. I’m so proud of you."

- 10 Things I Wish My Mother Had Taught Me | d.a.s (via coyotegold)

(via thechocolateattheendofmycornetto)

Source: backshelfpoet