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I just want time to worry about me, but I looks like that’s a luxury and not about to happen

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Wow I didn’t realise i hadn’t written in so long…
In all fairness, not much has changed.
My statement has been taken, as has the site managers and I’m pretty sure they’ve taken the executive’s statement as well (the one at fault). I’m currently waiting to be contacted, I haven’t been spoken to since my statement, i that I’m pretty sure I signed in JULY. This is insane. Either way, my new job commences on the 15th, so long as the investigation is over, or even if it’s going ahead, it just means I have to be paid in cash for a while.

I told my mam, she broke down and panicked and now everything I do is a big deal. She thinks I’m going insane, and that I’ve become an extrovert, because I’m never home. I spend most of my time in my site managers house, him and his wife split up so I’m kind of seeing him, nothing too serious though. We’re both in bad situations because of things going on in our lives, he makes me feel better, filling some emotional void that I’ve only recently become aware of (okay that’s not really true, it’s always there it just got a lot worse recently) and I don’t really know what use i am to him, I hope it’s more than sex but I’m not really sure. Frankly I don’t like thinking about it too much, what happens will happen and that’s how I’m rolling, I’m too fed up to care anymore, and hey, what can I not deal with at this stage?

The counsellor that the red cross are providing for me (paying for private counselling) is lovely, she doesn’t want me to talk to my mam about anything we talk about in session, and that’s probably best. The one thing I wish I could tell her is that I don’t do everything I do out of selfishness, I’m not only thinking about me. My man knows I’ve lost all care i have for myself, but still thinks me staying out of the house and ‘pushing my loved ones away’ is selfish. My counsellor put it in to perfect words: I don’t have an outward reaction to my situation. Therefore i deal with everyone else’s reactions, and worry about how they feel, rather than myself. This is why I haven’t told my dad, I can’t be the one to break him. He’s so strong, and he’s gone through so much, I can’t bear to add to that. He won’t know what to do and I won’t either. Sometimes I think it’s better if I just leave altogether. No one will ask questions, no one will have to care anymore.

My counsellor also wants to start lifting the lid on what happened to me. She believes i bottle all the bad things away and ‘normalize’ them, rather than dealing with them, and then I focus on the small annoying things to distract myself. She wants me to slowly start to come to terms with what happened.

I’m tired of all this fuss now, I just wish it was over. I love going to counselling but some of the questions aren’t easy to answer. The family ones especially.

Anyway, I’ll update either when something happens in the investigation, or when I feel like talking again.

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Debs ready!

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Got my nails did! #hereIcomedebs thanks, to @hollygormanxo

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Out again bitches #unstoppable #smashit #cansnshit #palace

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One more night out, taking it for the team ;) #nopointinhashtagging #fullofexcuses #ormaybethatsthealcohol

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It’s getting heavier! #makeitrain #rainbabyrain #thatsafloodandahalf #justsawtheflash! #2040metresaway

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Sudden downpour, thunder and all #lovethisweather #nosarcasm #nolightningyet #cantwait

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inyourheadtheyrestillfighting:

slumdog-billionaire:

SIGNAL BOOST:

Warning to all women using the OkCupid dating site/app; if you are matched with this guy DO NOT CONTACT HIM. He has raped two girls and assaulted several, and is known to stalk, harass, and abuse. Police have been notified but no charges were ever filed. Long story short he got away with it every time. If he shows up on your feed, do not answer his messages and please report him. He is extremely dangerous. Be careful. Please reblog to try and keep women safe.

This is really serious. He is the most disgusting and vile human being I have ever come in contact with. He is extremely dangerous and knows how to use his “charm” to his advantage. Please spread this around (especially if you know me in real life since he from my area). You could literally save someone’s life.

(via thechocolateattheendofmycornetto)

Source: slumdog-billionaire
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Just me again #conceited #happy #whoknewIcouldsmile